Effort and Surrender

Today could be your last; who do you want to be?

Yesterday, after a joy-filled morning with friends, I learned of the sudden and tragic death of an old friend’s son, someone I have known for over 20 years. I have felt heartbroken for him and for his family, and utterly confused about how to make sense of it all.

I always have to take a lesson from tragedy or it’s too overwhelming, but in this case, I was at a loss for the lesson. Then, suddenly it came to me – On the heels of the shootings in Connecticut, I am reminded that we really can be taken at any time. For me, it is important to remember that any day could be my last. As my dad says in an old folk song her wrote during my childhood, “death is a hunter, she is following you, putting every step in your last track, watching your body with a calm and patient eye, until she reaches out and touches you on the back.” He always taught me that “death is teacher.”

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Aflame: A Lesson In Forced Stillness

I’m aflame! I’m running from a fire only I can see. Constantly in motion, I dare not slow down or I’ll burn up.

Recalling the assorted illnesses and injuries I’ve had over the years, I’m beginning to suspect that illness and injury are my equivalent of being involuntarily committed for rehab. In hindsight, I recognize that they never come gently – never a mild cold or a paper cut. When they arrive it’s a mind blowing sinus infection or knee surgery requiring sometimes weeks of being more immobile than not. It’s high drama. They throw me to the ground, and then it’s four point restraints. They force me to stop moving and demand that I simply be with myself, feeling the heat.

This time, with a head full of fluid, my voice locked in my throat, and a fiery fever, Sickness has revealed to me her role and her wisdom. She has also reminded me how much I use being in motion to escape internal experiences that feel unbearable (just like an addict… “never underestimate the inclination to bolt”). Activity – regardless of how legitimate it may be – has become a drug for me.

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“FOLLOW YOUR INNER MOONLIGHT; DON’T HIDE THE MADNESS.” ― Allen Ginsberg

Find your people. These are the people with whom you can be fully present, fully integrated, fully yourself. These people will help you to expand. Others will cause you to contract. Seek people who help you expand.

You will know them by how you feel in their presence and after you depart from them. Pay attention to the feelings in your body and the expression on your face. You will feel more yourself and you will allow them to do the same. Let your freak flag fly and they too will find you.

“NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE INCLINATION TO BOLT”~ Pema Chodron.

Yoga is, in part, about integrating parts of the self – being fully present. But sometimes being present SUCKS!

Today was just one of those days… and I really wanted to go back to bed and shut out the world. Instead, I did my hour-long yoga practice through snot and tears. I preceded on with my day feeling slightly less pitiful, but looking worn and feeling fragile. When I went to class one of my classmates shared that his favorite uncle had died this morning (that sure put my meager misery in perspective). This sweet guy was brave enough to show up, just as he was – in mourning – and spent the evening with near-strangers. He has also been sober for six years and he chose today, as he has every day for six years, not to bolt, but to be present.

Sometimes we want to lock parts of our selves in a dark closet somewhere. We all have our ways – a cocktail, a joint, shopping, food, sex or maybe all of the above and all at once. But transformation happens when we show up completely, just as we are. Each time we opt not to bolt, but instead to bring along all parts of ourselves along, we nurture those parts, saying “you’re OK too.” And we give others permission to show up just they are as well. This is one way that we begin the process of reintegration – this is yoga.

My classmate inspired me with his courage. My mat may have some remnants of DNA left on it, but I’m rewarded that I brought all parts of myself to the practice of living today.

EMPTY YOUR BOWL AND ALLOW IT TO BE FILLED ANEW…

Without focused attention on consistent, full breaths, (hatha) yoga is just calisthenics in Sanskrit. “Backing off” a pose allows room for more breath – allows room for life – in the pose. When we get the message in life that maybe – just maybe – we are pushing too hard, backing off even a little allows space for something new to come in.

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